Why Anti-Goals Work Best for Neurodivergent People
New Year goal setting is ableist, but there is a better way.
Anti-Goals are:
Intentions that we actively avoid achieving.
A tool for demand avoidant neurodivergent adults to channel their precious and limited time, energy, focus and connections away from the tasks, people and responsibilities that drain us.
Anti-establishment, anti-capitalism and anti-productivity; thus aligning with many neurodivergent people’s mindset.
New Year = New You? Just Say “No”!
Have you read The Auti Peri Q&A Series yet? I am so excited to share it with you! 💕
Honestly, you are fine just as you are! You aren’t perfect? Nobody is perfect. Show me someone who presents themselves as perfect, and I guarantee they are faking it.
So what if you are not where you thought you would be at this age, at this year’s end? We have almost made it to 2025 and that is something to enthusiastically celebrate (zzz) emphatically acknowledge!
Look at us go!
Do you know what we don’t need right now? Extra pressure to perform and achieve. Yet I can’t move for tripping over end of year toxic positivity, and other people’s #goals2025.
I for one am barely hanging on to life yet am still here by the skin of my teeth (awful visual, sorry, and skin don’t even have teeth…)
2024 has been another stunning year of incredible skill loss and regressions in my personal functioning and capacity, big thanks to ongoing autistic perimenopause.
Also, my Dad died a few months ago, and weeks ago I got hit by a car. No, it wasn’t karma because I am a pessimist. That’s just coincidental. It is just life. Day in, day out - who knows what will happen to us next? Pinning a vision board isn’t going to preserve our lives, and not fulfilling our overly ambitious #goals2025 will be pretty demoralising.
For many neurodivergents, disabled people, those living with chronic illness and other minority and/or challenged groups, New Year goals and self-improvement is ableist.
Yet, self-improvement is sexy and it sells products as people lunge themselves to join gyms, attend retreats and buy into clean eating meal planners.
This is not accessible to many people. Individual progress does not need to be forced. Collective progress seems absolutely out of the question right now, so what chance do we have trying to Have It All and Do It All alone
Many of us are actively fluctuating and regressing, not progressing and striving. A new year on the Gregorian calendar is an arbitrary passing of time, and should be devoid of judgement and internalised ableism.
My personal veritable shitshow has taught me a lot of important lessons, such as:
Progress is the enemy of survival.
Striving for continual progress is ableist and demoralising.
Fallow periods are a natural part of life on Earth for all species. Happy to be challenged on this in the comments.
Asynchronous development is an accepted element of neurodivergent childhood, and is also a lifelong factor in aging NDs. Even in midlife. The research just isn’t there yet, but anecdotally, I am sure we can all see it? Happy to be challenged on this in the comments.
Chronic illness exists even in those who are not yet diagnosed and have no explanation for our symptoms, and their impact on our regressions and flares. Not happy to be challenged on this in the comments.
Mood stabilisers are the way forward for me right now, a new addition to my cocktail of menopausal hormonal buffering and balancing. Not 100% effective yet. Come and check out My Rage in the comments, I dare you!
What are Anti-Goals?
Anti-goals are defined by some as being a deliberate inversion of your actual goals. For example, for a person who says their goal is to improve their fitness by attending a gym three evenings a week, their anti-goal would be “Don’t go straight home from work - go to the gym on your way”. See? Ableist AF.
Goals are the enemy of productivity in many demand avoidant people.
How do you know if you are demand avoidant?
If you have ever been told you are lazy, distracted, a procrastinator, chronically late and so on, chances are that you are demand avoidant. Autistics like myself with a strong leaning towards this astonishingly unhelpful trait may be classed as “Pathologically demand avoidant” (PDA). What a vile label. So the PDA community, naturally rejecting the clinical definition of PDA due to PDA itself and our collective self-respect, prefer the neuroaffirming “pervasive drive for autonomy”.
We PDAers are often a highly intelligent group, and we have some of the best ideas, plans and intentions going, yet we can really unintentionally and frustratingly get in our own way. As my Dad used to tell my Mum, “Don’t tell her what you want her to do. She always just does the opposite". I am still the same. So I guess obstinate was the pre-PDA label, but just because I now know I am PDA autistic doesn’t mean that I can override this trait. I am neurologically wired to self-sabotage.
My own personal goals, in their standard positive form, are my own personal enemy. If I decide I want to do something, chances are therefore, I will not get it done. I will most likely do the opposite of what it is I need/want/would love to be doing. Demand avoidance is a common trait in ADHDers too.
So what about those of us just trying to survive this phase of neurodivergent midlife? I am not aiming particularly high, but as soon as I write myself a goal in a positive framing, you can bet that it will be a complete write off.
Some common cliches make good anti-goals: “Never give up on a bad day”. That was one I heard a lot during my breastfeeding years (as the parent, not the baby. My memory isn’t that good.) But I think that is also fitting for those of us now and going forward who experience suicidal ideation. Never give up on a bad day.
One Simpsons episode I recall from childhood includes Homer’s infamous quote: “If at first you don’t succeed, give up”. I love that attitude! My late Dad and I used to quote that to each other, in jest!
Why set Anti-Goals?
Anti-goals lend themselves to the demand avoidant’s way of being in the world. Regular goals make me feel resentful and controlled, and I refuse to follow any instructions, including my own. Podcast presenter Thé, of ‘This is RANDOM’ podcast, explains exquisitely how and why she can’t stand regular goal setting. The episode (link in Resources section) title “#ANTI-GOALS” led me to think the topic was about anti-goals, but instead it was a fantastic monologue on why she is “anti”/against goals! Well worth a listen. Thé gives off strong positive ND vibes, but my ND radar is set to highly sensitive.
“I feel like whenever I have to set a goal, I’m being constrained by the shackles of Past Me and Future Me’s expectations”
Thé, This is Random podcast
The phrase “You’re not the boss of me, I’m the boss of me!” is both true and contradictory for me. As a demand avoidant ND woman, I am adverse to all the systems that attempt to contain and constrain me. Yet that doesn’t make me endlessly free-willed and independent, because I can’t even set my own goals and intentions without feeling resentful.
How to create Anti-Goals
Anti-goals often start with “Don’t…”, “Never…”, “Avoid…” or “I will not…”
They take the issue that you want to address and frame it in ways to reduce your chances of engaging with the task/person/responsibility that you no longer feel is your priority or best fit.
I am currently working on a book, and - more urgently - a book proposal in
’s upcoming Book Proposal Group Program. I know that I am writing a book, but I can’t let myself know that I am writing a book, or else I will avoid this task that my brain says is a demand.Thinking of the topic too much leads to imposter syndrome, fear, overwhelm and total avoidance. This is a fear response characterised in anxiety and is potent enough to send me to the sofa alone watching ‘Big Bang Theory’ under a hefty weighted blanket secretly eating my kids’ Christmas chocolates. It can also bring me out in hives.
I am practically allergic to writing my book - even to the thought of it. Therefore, I cannot write myself the seemingly simple goal of “Write a book in 2025”.
My book writing Anti-Goals could be:
I will not watch TV before writing 500 words each day.
I cannot close my laptop until I have sat in front of Scrivener (writing software) for thirty minutes each day.
Avoid feeling hungry and under hydrated when writing.
Never listen to podcasts when brushing your teeth so during that time you can think about and process your book writing.
Don’t skip or rush the Book Proposal Group Program homework tasks.
Some more examples of my Anti-Goals:
I will never accept unsolicited advice.
I don’t mask around my neurokin.
Don’t take your phone to the bedroom.
I am not people pleasing ever again.
Stop. Scrolling. FFS.
Avoid delayed or skipped meals because I turn into a bitch.
Don’t get dehydrated because it feels awful.
Never rely on yourself to track time - set timers, reminders, schedule events digitally.
Always keep your watch charged so you don’t forget/miss appointments.
Don’t put everything away every day (out of sight, out of mind! I am chronically challenged by a lack of object permanence exacerbated by extremely debilitating perimenopausal brain fog…)
I won’t exercise every day because I need to rest.
A case in point: My Galloway Wardrobe (Closet) Anti-Goals
I first listened to The Art of Decluttering podcast episode on anti-goals (link in the Resource section below) this time last year, and it was revolutionary for me. This manifesto has been Blu-Tacked to my wardrobe wall ever since, and I try to stick to it (excuse the pun).
My handwriting is shocking, so here are my wardrobe Anti-Goals in a reader-friendly format…
I’m not going to have anything in my wardrobe that:
is hard to wash.
doesn't fit me.
makes me feel uncomfortable.
doesn’t suit me.
isn’t stored tidily.
is damaged.
I haven’t worn in the last year.
I’m not going to buy any clothes until my wardrobe is under control.
I’m not going to add anything to my wardrobe unless donating items (one in, one out).
I have managed to do a fairly good job of sticking to most of these, most of the time. Am I doing it perfectly? No - it’s my wardrobe, it’s not life or death. It doesn’t need to be done perfectly. I just need to stick to my anti-goals enough so that I don’t run out of clean clothes, empty clothes hangers, or let my overstuffed drawers get jammed up (not a euphemism).
I have no desire to own a Pinterest-worthy wardrobe. I just want it to function, and to be able to stay on top of the household laundry demands. When I can’t do this alone, I seek help. My amazing cleaner has increased her hours working with me this year as a support worker, so she helps hang out, bring in, fold and put away laundry. But when there is an overwhelming mountain of clean laundry and she isn’t around, I deal with it by either doing it myself or ignoring it until someone else can do it. With no shame or plan to “get better” at doing it.
I accept that, in this time of my life, I have regressed in managing basic household tasks of food preparation, grocery shopping, managing laundry demands, cleaning and vacuuming. My unmasking has ensured that I can let this go without guilt or shame.
I have no interest in self-improvement, and lean heavily into self-acceptance and self-compassion. I wish nothing but the same for you.
That’s why anti-goals are my new goals. If I can’t stick to them, so be it. But I will feel better knowing that I didn't give myself a huge unachievable goal, just because we are going into a New Year.
I would love to know your goals and anti-goals for 2025, please share them in the comments! Or are you goal agnostic? Please tell me more, maybe you can convert me to your way of thinking! 💕
Thanks for reading. I am looking forward to spending time with you on Substack in 2025!
Have you read The Auti Peri Q&A Series yet? I am so excited to share it with you! 💕
In the midst of my own traumatic ongoing autistic perimenopause, I am gladly aware that not everyone has such a challenging transition. That’s why I have made it my mission to compile a bank of lived experiences to show that perimenopause is as much of a spectrum as autism itself.
This is the introduction post, and I am so privileged to have been gifted the stories of so many people who openly discuss their individual experiences of the menopause transition through an autistic lens.
If you would like to be featured as part of The Auti Peri Q&A series, please message me on Substack or reply to this email. I’d love to share your story!
Resources
The Art of Decluttering podcast, ‘Anti Goals with Rebecca Mezzino’. Episode link and description:
“Are you avoidant of all the things you need to do to reach a goal? What about if instead you focus on what NOT to do?
What are the habits, situations, things, behaviours, characteristics that you don't want in your life anymore? Anti goals is about eliminating these things from your life!!
Rebecca talks us through how to work through an anti goal by focusing on what you want to eliminate to improve the quality of your life. How can you nurture your environment and have break through in areas you've been stuck in.
Do you find that motivation to achieve lofty goals wears off quickly? Focus instead on what you're going to stop doing that is holding you back.”
This is RANDOM podcast, ‘#ANTI-GOALS’ episode link and description:
“Now that 2022 is upon us, it's time to make those highly planned out New Year's Resolutions. Too bad I suck at setting goals and it looks like a majority of the people who can never finish their resolutions do too. This week's episode is all about the pressures of goal setting around this time of year and why society just needs to give it a rest.”
‘The Power of Anti-Goals. How I designed my perfect day by fixating on what I hate’, by Andrew Wilkinson
Dr Megan Anna Neff’s Self-Care book, Divergent Conversations podcast and Neurodivergent Insights website for free resources and blog.
I love this so much and it is exactly what I needed.
It makes so much sense. I have "rules" for things I don't do, and it's the only kind of internal boundary and way to disengage from damaging behaviors but i never thought of it as a way to deal with my demand avoidance. Thank you so much🥰
Interesting article! I had never heard of anti-goals. I may try using them. Or, I may stop setting regular goals 😉
The idea of letting go of self improvement is a big one. Wow. I have hurt both my body and mind trying to improve or even maintain a status quo. I have no wish to continue doing so, or it might kill me. Last year has been all about accepting I really can't do a regular or volunteer job anymore. But I still feel shame about it and a pressure to improve, contribute to society and all that. It would feel great to have that weight lifted off my shoulders.