"Hang out with your pets, you know they talk more sense than anyone else!" Ha!! Thanks for the laughs! My Christmas has shrunk so much over the years, so *escaping* is easier now 😉 But- I remember the early years, and it was not pretty. I've written about that time-out this week...
Thank you for this! Last Christmas I (didn’t give you my heart, but instead) was feeling this sense of regret that we weren’t spending it with my family in Germany. For clarity - we’ve never spent it there since we had kids 7 years ago, so it’s not that we weren’t following traditions, but I got this sense that my parents are getting older and that I want my kids to experience a German Christmas at least once. So I promised to myself we’ll spend it there this year. Now what has been happening over the past 12 months is this great unraveling of both myself and my son as ND humans, we are both likely AuDHD. And while I’m on one hand absolutely dreading the extra drama and demands that spending it abroad with my family will bring (neither my husband nor my kids speak German so I’ll spend a fair amount of it translating back and forth), and as my family back home neither know or would understand what these ND things might mean, I feel this strange sense of wanting to “come home” and heal some of the wounds badly band-aided in my own childhood and adolescence. Is Christmas a great time to reveal that I think I’m AuDHD (and most likely also perimenopausal, but again they wouldn’t understand that either)? Probably not. And yet there’s a part of me looking forward to it. It might all be an almighty car crash but I’m sure it’ll be one we can each talk to our friends at length about for sheer entertainment. 🫣
Wow, that’s a mighty big load you’re taking on! But it sounds like a great plan and you’re doing it for all the right reasons. My Dad sadly died this year. My parents are in the UK, where I’m from, but my Kiwi husband and I moved to Aotearoa NZ seven or so years ago. My Dad only saws the boys once - when we visited for my brother’s wedding a few years back - so Dad never saw the boys again 😭
So I think you are definitely doing the right thing, and I will have to live with the regret that I didn’t make that decision, as you so bravely have 💕
You might want to let them know in advance if you want to discuss your peri-AuDHDness with them. Maybe send them a text or email? If they aren’t willing to engage, then they may not mention it in which case - you tried 🤷🏻♀️
The divulgence of our diagnoses comes with the burden of educating, informing and co-regulating ourselves and others, which takes an enormous toll. Might be a bit more than is manageable when we are all feigning jolliness 🤭 🤶
I had told my family already about my diagnoses, but from a distance. I advocated for my Dad in hospital as undiagnosed autistic with the hospital doctors, to ensure he had as much support around medicating his anxiety, and sensory overload such as keeping his feet out from under the bedcovers. My Mum could see our autistic similarities when I was melting down whilst ordering a passport online, and said I was just like Dad. So it can be beneficial. But she’s had a couple of years to mull it over and hear about female autism from others. I needed 1:1 support from airport staff to get me to all my flight connections, so it was invaluable that my family already knew about my diagnoses. It doesn’t mean they are comfortable with it, and some were quite confrontational and others wholly avoiding. But that’s their issue not mine.
I think it all depends on your family and dynamics, their pre-existing understanding of neurodivergence etc.
Personally (if I were you, which I’m not!) I’d be wary of telling them verbally, but only because I can go mute and then refuse to engage. I guess it’s an autistic trauma response I have?
But you know them and yourself best and I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you.
I hope it’s a great trip for you all. Jump on The Autistic Perimenopause chat thread if you’re in need of any companionship from us all, or feel free to DM me if you need to vent privately. Ha ha! Hopefully they will give you the gift of validation and you’ll have a wonderfully neuroaffirming festive season! 🥰 🎄
Thank you! The thing is, I don’t have a diagnosis yet which would definitely help with convincing my family of the truth of it. They don’t even believe in therapy full stop so doubt a “self diagnosis” will fly 😅
I’m now thinking I might just introduce it as my son being referred by school for diagnosis and thus requesting some accommodations from them which we’ll all benefit from. In some ways I’ve just got to tool myself as much as possible and actively choose things that are good for my nervous system. Resist overstretching us. Reminding ourselves what we need to survive. And have little expectation of others supporting us with this 🫣
I’m so sorry that your dad died. Mine just had surgery to remove a tumour and he’s been recovering quite well so I’m doubly happy we see him.
Hope you get to enjoy summer in beautiful Aotearoa! What a stunning place you get to call home 🏡🧡✨
Sorry I missed this! I had a car accident and am okayish, but I didn't respond sooner as an oversight.
I am so glad your Dad is doing well post-surgery! It's great that you are going to spend some time with your parents! I think the build up and trepidation is sometimes worse than the reality.
Do you have a sensory toolkit for your son? Maybe some noise cancelling headphones, a tablet device, fidget spinners, whatever else he might need to self-regulate, and to support you in co-regulating him. You could explain why they help him if you feel like it, but you don't owe anyone an explanation if you don't feel like it.
I guess planning and structuring out your days would help, and having that quiet base you and he can just retreat to when you need it. Surely nobody will resent that. Anything to reduce the intensity, prevent meltdowns and keep everyone feeling regulated.
Hang in there, I am sure it will all turn out great!
Thanks, yes Aotearoa is stunning! The sunshine is intense so I am enjoying sitting inside with my foot up, ha ha! 🌊☀️💕
So sorry about your car accident!! Hope you’re recovering ok and will be mobile enough for the Christmas shenanigans.
Books and his yoto are his go-to to regulate and retreat, and I think we’ve got to build in time for those. You got me thinking - I might see if we can install the kids swing on my parents terrace again as that might be really good for him and his sister. Frankly I’m probably the most worried about my own mental health and nervous system. I find being home so triggering and with the lack of routine and familiarity my kids are just doubly needy. Good idea to think of building some kind of structure that’ll work for us and family.
Thanks so much for replying while being injured and no doubt also experiencing the muchness of the Christmas build-up! 🙏🧑🎄🫠✨🎄
It does take the greatest toll on us, I think. It’s a lot to bear. You’re already doing so well. Hopefully in the New Year you can have a plan for how to start making some gains. Improving your own mental and menopausal health will make the world of difference for you and have great repercussions for your family. But there’s no rush (unless you are in imminent danger?) or quick fixes. Hang in there x 🎄 🎁 💐
"Hang out with your pets, you know they talk more sense than anyone else!" Ha!! Thanks for the laughs! My Christmas has shrunk so much over the years, so *escaping* is easier now 😉 But- I remember the early years, and it was not pretty. I've written about that time-out this week...
Oh I’m so glad you’re able to take a break from it all now! It’s so intense 😔
Thank you for this! Last Christmas I (didn’t give you my heart, but instead) was feeling this sense of regret that we weren’t spending it with my family in Germany. For clarity - we’ve never spent it there since we had kids 7 years ago, so it’s not that we weren’t following traditions, but I got this sense that my parents are getting older and that I want my kids to experience a German Christmas at least once. So I promised to myself we’ll spend it there this year. Now what has been happening over the past 12 months is this great unraveling of both myself and my son as ND humans, we are both likely AuDHD. And while I’m on one hand absolutely dreading the extra drama and demands that spending it abroad with my family will bring (neither my husband nor my kids speak German so I’ll spend a fair amount of it translating back and forth), and as my family back home neither know or would understand what these ND things might mean, I feel this strange sense of wanting to “come home” and heal some of the wounds badly band-aided in my own childhood and adolescence. Is Christmas a great time to reveal that I think I’m AuDHD (and most likely also perimenopausal, but again they wouldn’t understand that either)? Probably not. And yet there’s a part of me looking forward to it. It might all be an almighty car crash but I’m sure it’ll be one we can each talk to our friends at length about for sheer entertainment. 🫣
Wow, that’s a mighty big load you’re taking on! But it sounds like a great plan and you’re doing it for all the right reasons. My Dad sadly died this year. My parents are in the UK, where I’m from, but my Kiwi husband and I moved to Aotearoa NZ seven or so years ago. My Dad only saws the boys once - when we visited for my brother’s wedding a few years back - so Dad never saw the boys again 😭
So I think you are definitely doing the right thing, and I will have to live with the regret that I didn’t make that decision, as you so bravely have 💕
You might want to let them know in advance if you want to discuss your peri-AuDHDness with them. Maybe send them a text or email? If they aren’t willing to engage, then they may not mention it in which case - you tried 🤷🏻♀️
The divulgence of our diagnoses comes with the burden of educating, informing and co-regulating ourselves and others, which takes an enormous toll. Might be a bit more than is manageable when we are all feigning jolliness 🤭 🤶
I had told my family already about my diagnoses, but from a distance. I advocated for my Dad in hospital as undiagnosed autistic with the hospital doctors, to ensure he had as much support around medicating his anxiety, and sensory overload such as keeping his feet out from under the bedcovers. My Mum could see our autistic similarities when I was melting down whilst ordering a passport online, and said I was just like Dad. So it can be beneficial. But she’s had a couple of years to mull it over and hear about female autism from others. I needed 1:1 support from airport staff to get me to all my flight connections, so it was invaluable that my family already knew about my diagnoses. It doesn’t mean they are comfortable with it, and some were quite confrontational and others wholly avoiding. But that’s their issue not mine.
I think it all depends on your family and dynamics, their pre-existing understanding of neurodivergence etc.
Personally (if I were you, which I’m not!) I’d be wary of telling them verbally, but only because I can go mute and then refuse to engage. I guess it’s an autistic trauma response I have?
But you know them and yourself best and I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you.
I hope it’s a great trip for you all. Jump on The Autistic Perimenopause chat thread if you’re in need of any companionship from us all, or feel free to DM me if you need to vent privately. Ha ha! Hopefully they will give you the gift of validation and you’ll have a wonderfully neuroaffirming festive season! 🥰 🎄
Thank you! The thing is, I don’t have a diagnosis yet which would definitely help with convincing my family of the truth of it. They don’t even believe in therapy full stop so doubt a “self diagnosis” will fly 😅
I’m now thinking I might just introduce it as my son being referred by school for diagnosis and thus requesting some accommodations from them which we’ll all benefit from. In some ways I’ve just got to tool myself as much as possible and actively choose things that are good for my nervous system. Resist overstretching us. Reminding ourselves what we need to survive. And have little expectation of others supporting us with this 🫣
I’m so sorry that your dad died. Mine just had surgery to remove a tumour and he’s been recovering quite well so I’m doubly happy we see him.
Hope you get to enjoy summer in beautiful Aotearoa! What a stunning place you get to call home 🏡🧡✨
Sorry I missed this! I had a car accident and am okayish, but I didn't respond sooner as an oversight.
I am so glad your Dad is doing well post-surgery! It's great that you are going to spend some time with your parents! I think the build up and trepidation is sometimes worse than the reality.
Do you have a sensory toolkit for your son? Maybe some noise cancelling headphones, a tablet device, fidget spinners, whatever else he might need to self-regulate, and to support you in co-regulating him. You could explain why they help him if you feel like it, but you don't owe anyone an explanation if you don't feel like it.
I guess planning and structuring out your days would help, and having that quiet base you and he can just retreat to when you need it. Surely nobody will resent that. Anything to reduce the intensity, prevent meltdowns and keep everyone feeling regulated.
Hang in there, I am sure it will all turn out great!
Thanks, yes Aotearoa is stunning! The sunshine is intense so I am enjoying sitting inside with my foot up, ha ha! 🌊☀️💕
So sorry about your car accident!! Hope you’re recovering ok and will be mobile enough for the Christmas shenanigans.
Books and his yoto are his go-to to regulate and retreat, and I think we’ve got to build in time for those. You got me thinking - I might see if we can install the kids swing on my parents terrace again as that might be really good for him and his sister. Frankly I’m probably the most worried about my own mental health and nervous system. I find being home so triggering and with the lack of routine and familiarity my kids are just doubly needy. Good idea to think of building some kind of structure that’ll work for us and family.
Thanks so much for replying while being injured and no doubt also experiencing the muchness of the Christmas build-up! 🙏🧑🎄🫠✨🎄
It does take the greatest toll on us, I think. It’s a lot to bear. You’re already doing so well. Hopefully in the New Year you can have a plan for how to start making some gains. Improving your own mental and menopausal health will make the world of difference for you and have great repercussions for your family. But there’s no rush (unless you are in imminent danger?) or quick fixes. Hang in there x 🎄 🎁 💐