“Look at me when I’m talking to you!”
Autistics can listen to you better without eye contact because monitoring our outer presentation whilst maintaining inner concentration uses up excessive energy.
My inner monologue at any given time:
Am I looking at them properly?
Too much? Not enough?
Oh they looked away! Quick, look away!
Flicker back! Too much, look away!
Look back, hold eyes.
Am I looking at them properly?
What is my face doing?
Is it aligned with what I’m saying in response to what they said?
What did they say?
What was I just talking about?
What is my face doing?
Am I looking at them properly?
Too much? Not enough?
Oh they looked away! Quick, look away!
Flicker back! Too much, look away!
Look back, hold eyes.
Am I looking at them properly?
⬆️ *** This repeats on a loop when interacting with neurotypicals ***
Just me..?! I doubt it. I think this is pretty typical of the late diagnosed neurodivergent female presentation.
I unconsciously speak with different accents to different people I wonder if I’m boring them, over sharing, being insensitive, making myself understood, mimicking their body language appropriately. I try to remember their name while speaking to them, having been friends with them for years
We have tried so hard for so long to look normal. It all gets far too much in perimenopause. We no longer have capacity to do this work of constant social hyper-vigilance.
This is why knowing and accepting that:
We are autistic
We are perimenopausal
Temporary regressions to our functioning are to be expected as part of this natural transitional process
There is help out there in terms of hormone replacement therapy/menopause hormone treatment, domestic support, medical management, counselling and therapies, sisterhood, finding your neurotribe
Normalising this and anticipating regressions can and will save our lives
We don’t have social energy to spare in perimenopause. Be aware of giving your time and attention to people who are supportive, validating and want to be there for you.
This is an opportunity to have a social cull and a mental shift. Don’t feel shameful for your struggles, they are part of your life. Sometimes we must mask and camouflage, but this can’t be our default.
Hang in there. Look away. Flicker back. Are they hearing you? Are they seeing you?
Keep your inner monologue in your own favour. If someone isn’t understanding you, and they are refusing to even try, then you are not the problem. Monitor your social energy and use it wisely and sparingly 💕
Thanks so much for this, Sam. I teach public speaking and eye contact comes up as part of body language. I'm trying to gradually turn the ship around to where people realise that it's not such a big deal if people aren't making the type of eye contact that's been preached to us. Reading your inner monologue helps me see that even more strongly.
I feel like you wrote this about me. That damn eye contact will get you every time. So stupid! You wouldn't tell someone who's blind to make eye contact, obviously because they cannot, but you still have conversations and talk about all kinds of stuff with them. Eye contact is not necessary. I don't get it.