Autistics can listen to you better without eye contact because monitoring our outer presentation whilst maintaining inner concentration uses up excessive energy.
Thanks so much for this, Sam. I teach public speaking and eye contact comes up as part of body language. I'm trying to gradually turn the ship around to where people realise that it's not such a big deal if people aren't making the type of eye contact that's been preached to us. Reading your inner monologue helps me see that even more strongly.
Oh I’m so glad it’s helpful. Unfortunately women do need to mask sometimes for our own safety. Then tips like “look at the spot between their eyes so they think you’re looking at them but you don’t have to feel the intensity of eye contact” can be helpful. Quite a wordy tip 🤔 🤷🏻♀️
I remember at comedy school we were told to just look deep into the darkness of the crowd in one spot so people think you’re engaging with one audience member as they then find you more engaging. But, as you know, my eyes were fixed on my notes 😆
I feel like you wrote this about me. That damn eye contact will get you every time. So stupid! You wouldn't tell someone who's blind to make eye contact, obviously because they cannot, but you still have conversations and talk about all kinds of stuff with them. Eye contact is not necessary. I don't get it.
I also meant to say that I recently went on a school visit to a National trust property, one educator in particular was 'reminding' children constantly to look at her when she was talking. She was particularly focused on one child who was obviously ( at least to me) stimming. It bothered me so much, when I got home I wrote an email to the national trust about it and suggesting they address this as atraining issue. They responded really positively and told me they were already in the process of reviewing their training around 'whole body listening' but in light of my email were fast tracking it. I'm taking that as a small win.
And with the constant inner monologue we can actually listen either. I tended to look at lips to lip read instead, not as good as starting down or out of the window or doodling but better than try not to hold eye contact.
Yes, I tend to look up to the ceiling or, better, write down verbatim what someone says to help me process and recall it. But really, it’s all too much effort and I’d rather stay home 😆
Needed to hear this today, as I sat in an important meeting and despite knowing it would present as awkward, had to look down and doodle most of the time in order to listen and stay calm. Eye contact can be exhausting!
It makes so much sense though, the constant battle in my brain with conflicting ideas and wants! Needing routine but craving novelty, and being autistic not totally explaining everything. Menopause definitely magnifies and complicates though!
Thanks so much for this, Sam. I teach public speaking and eye contact comes up as part of body language. I'm trying to gradually turn the ship around to where people realise that it's not such a big deal if people aren't making the type of eye contact that's been preached to us. Reading your inner monologue helps me see that even more strongly.
Oh I’m so glad it’s helpful. Unfortunately women do need to mask sometimes for our own safety. Then tips like “look at the spot between their eyes so they think you’re looking at them but you don’t have to feel the intensity of eye contact” can be helpful. Quite a wordy tip 🤔 🤷🏻♀️
I remember at comedy school we were told to just look deep into the darkness of the crowd in one spot so people think you’re engaging with one audience member as they then find you more engaging. But, as you know, my eyes were fixed on my notes 😆
I feel like you wrote this about me. That damn eye contact will get you every time. So stupid! You wouldn't tell someone who's blind to make eye contact, obviously because they cannot, but you still have conversations and talk about all kinds of stuff with them. Eye contact is not necessary. I don't get it.
Totally!! Unless I am looking upwards, I probably can’t hear you 🤷🏻♀️
I also meant to say that I recently went on a school visit to a National trust property, one educator in particular was 'reminding' children constantly to look at her when she was talking. She was particularly focused on one child who was obviously ( at least to me) stimming. It bothered me so much, when I got home I wrote an email to the national trust about it and suggesting they address this as atraining issue. They responded really positively and told me they were already in the process of reviewing their training around 'whole body listening' but in light of my email were fast tracking it. I'm taking that as a small win.
Yay, good for you! Thanks for advocating for us all :)
This, this, this! I relate to this so much. Trying to make people understand that you don't listen with your eyes is a monumental task!
Yes, well said!
And with the constant inner monologue we can actually listen either. I tended to look at lips to lip read instead, not as good as starting down or out of the window or doodling but better than try not to hold eye contact.
Yes, I tend to look up to the ceiling or, better, write down verbatim what someone says to help me process and recall it. But really, it’s all too much effort and I’d rather stay home 😆
Needed to hear this today, as I sat in an important meeting and despite knowing it would present as awkward, had to look down and doodle most of the time in order to listen and stay calm. Eye contact can be exhausting!
100%! Just getting ourselves to appointments and meetings is hard enough without then having to participate 😹 😿
Totally this! I have also realised that I am ADHD through perimenopause as it has really magnified those traits on top of my autistic traits
It’s a tough way to find out, isn’t?! You and I both were diagnosed autistic before ADHD 💪
Often it’s the other way around!
It makes so much sense though, the constant battle in my brain with conflicting ideas and wants! Needing routine but craving novelty, and being autistic not totally explaining everything. Menopause definitely magnifies and complicates though!
Yes, autism explained a lot but not everything.