Thank you for your writing. I am still finding out if I am autistic. My psychoatristndid a quock questionnaire and said my score was high to qualify, but he wasn't clear about that being an "official" diagnosis. I'm not sure what im missing. We have good conversations, butmit often seems like I leave without some important facts. I have adhd and was.late diagnosed (2 yes ago). There's alot about autistic.elexperiences that i relate to as well. The.more I stop policing my behaviour and appearance the happier I.am, the less self-conscious I am. but I also notice that my behaviour is becoming less and.less like most other people in the room. Unless they're neurodivergent! Haha. I feel happy about that. I feel happy about being the way I am and not hiding.I was previously.diagnosed with BPAD II in 2008, have had major.depression, severe social amxiety and drug induced.psychosis. Increasingly I doubt the accuracy of the BPAD II assessment as adhd and autism feel a more accurate description and have provided more helpful insights into the functional challenges i face(d). But.sometimes i doubt I have autism bc I can be really really good at social Interaction at times, but.i also know how hard I have.practiced and.for.how long, and how.much i have agonised over every little word, and I have built my repertoire for 1:1 socialisong up quite.well.. but still, there are times when another person will join in and all thoughts leave my head..I have nothing. Its.empty up there, even though I close my eyes and try to call something down. I try to speak - the.words come out broken, stuttered, and disordered. I have.toclose.my eyes or look away.so i can concentrate.
I am 48. I know alot.of neutodivergent people.who have done deep dives into the research, and become experts on the.medications and the presentations, i find it overwhelming, and have been avoiding it. My capacity for sitting still and reading is very small these days. So I like to listen to people who have done their own deep dives. I will get there, but.probably.slower than everyone else. Intakenbite size chunks of information and then move away and digest.
I have prohibited myself from becoming fully immersed in an interest (spin is such an excellent phrase!) and stopped myself from becoming obsessed. I don't know why, but I thought it was wrong. Although maybe it's related to being diagnosed with BPAD II - intensity, obsession, feelings of joy and happiness even! I learnt to police myselfnfornthese things as they.might be signs of mania, i believed. Inthinkcinwas wrong. Inthinknthe.psychiatrists and psychologists were wrong.
This year I have opened up to music, which I always wanted to do, and I'm learning an instrument and seeing.live music at least once a week and trying to support local musicians by writing positive reviews and sharing theolir events with others. I lovenit.so much..imnthenhappiest ive ever been. Music is so interesting and exciting and it can be political and address social issues, as well as express all the emotions.. I have found rhe same as you, that I need.to take care of myself in relation to how deeply or for how long i focus on social justice issues and how much I identify with the suffering in the world.. i try to go lightly. And remind myself that bad things are.part of life and I can't fix it.all. I stay hopeful that unjust systems will erode away and new healthy ones will flourish. I accept.my limitations and celebrate people who are able to do more of the heavy social jiustice.work that i cannot. It's not an excuse. It's real. I burn out or shutdown, have SI, then I'm no help to anyone - not myself, my kids, my neighbours, my girlfriend, or any of the billions of people in the.world. I don't know if I am perimenopausal yet. I probably am and it's time I find a good GP to talk to about it.
I like your suggestion of using your spin for relaxation and calm.
I like to think that even small actions/interactions, little things I do each day in my local.community, make a contribution to a kinder, more just, world. Thank you for listening and thank you.for your substack.
Had the psychiatrist taken away your BPAD II diagnosis? So damaging how female autism is so frequently misdiagnosed.
Self-identifying/self-diagnosing autism is totally accepted and valid within the actually autistic community. It’s not like ADHD, where you need a formal diagnosis to access meds. There are no meds or treatments for autism.
I’ve always had speech issues too, even though I’m quite articulate and rambly once I get going, ha ha!
Yay for your musical interest! What instrument are you learning to play? I used to go to gigs all the time. Currently I can’t even stand up. Argh! 💕
Your writing is some of my favorite. Very informative, relatable, and makes me think and think some more. Thank you for taking the time to put stuff like this out in the world. It truly makes a difference.
Thank you for writing this, Sam. There is good advice here. I've hidden and dampened down my intensity for so long that letting it out more is feeling rather overwhelming. I have a partner who, thankfully, loves my intensity, but he lives a long way away and it will definitely be much better for me when he moves to the UK, so that he can help me regulate.
I can! He is the person with whom I’ve been able to be totally myself, and it is helping me rediscover myself and enabling me to slowly unmask with others.
It will be amazing when he is here! Maybe I will document the journey on my Substack…
Your experience with being overwhelmed by your empathy resonates so much for me, and I struggle with the awareness that most allistic people can (and do) switch that feeling off when it's inconvenient for them. I'm in the US, and I was spinning on the Democratic convention for the 4 days it was televised this week. The overriding message of the convention was about inclusion, but the DNC refused to let any Palestinian delegates speak. I saw a video of protestors outside the convention hall reading a list of names of Palestinian children who have been killed, and the convention attendees had to walk past the demonstration as they left. All these people, who had just been cheering and celebrating inside, covered their ears, and a few even mocked or ridiculed the protestors. That broke my heart. And while I understand rationally that this is how it is, I just can't wrap my brain around it.
Regarding meds, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed several decades before I was diagnosed as Autistic (while I have not sought a diagnosis, I suspect I may also have ADHD). I went through virtually every new-generation antidepressant available at the time, but it would only work for a year or so. The only one that has worked for a long time is desvenlafxine, which is an SNRI. I recently found out from my doc that SNRIs are beginning to be used off-label for ADHD. I do wonder if that's why this is the one that has worked so well for me.
Yes, you’re right! They can and do just flick their empathy switch off! It’s so frustrating living in this world, isn’t it?! 😿 😹
Thanks so much for sharing your meds journey. I love a meds journey!! I admit I know nothing about SNRIs and I’m so grateful you shared that because I had no idea it could help with managing ADHD symptoms.
Honestly, I find ADHD so debilitating compared to autism. I’d take all the help I can get with it.
80% of autistic females are ADHDers. It’s so annoying that we can’t just be diagnosed with all the things at once 🙄
Thank you for your writing. I am still finding out if I am autistic. My psychoatristndid a quock questionnaire and said my score was high to qualify, but he wasn't clear about that being an "official" diagnosis. I'm not sure what im missing. We have good conversations, butmit often seems like I leave without some important facts. I have adhd and was.late diagnosed (2 yes ago). There's alot about autistic.elexperiences that i relate to as well. The.more I stop policing my behaviour and appearance the happier I.am, the less self-conscious I am. but I also notice that my behaviour is becoming less and.less like most other people in the room. Unless they're neurodivergent! Haha. I feel happy about that. I feel happy about being the way I am and not hiding.I was previously.diagnosed with BPAD II in 2008, have had major.depression, severe social amxiety and drug induced.psychosis. Increasingly I doubt the accuracy of the BPAD II assessment as adhd and autism feel a more accurate description and have provided more helpful insights into the functional challenges i face(d). But.sometimes i doubt I have autism bc I can be really really good at social Interaction at times, but.i also know how hard I have.practiced and.for.how long, and how.much i have agonised over every little word, and I have built my repertoire for 1:1 socialisong up quite.well.. but still, there are times when another person will join in and all thoughts leave my head..I have nothing. Its.empty up there, even though I close my eyes and try to call something down. I try to speak - the.words come out broken, stuttered, and disordered. I have.to close.my eyes or look away.so i can concentrate.
I am 48. I know alot.of neutodivergent people.who have done deep dives into the research, and become experts on the.medications and the presentations, i find it overwhelming, and have been avoiding it. My capacity for sitting still and reading is very small these days. So I like to listen to people who have done their own deep dives. I will get there, but.probably.slower than everyone else. Intakenbite size chunks of information and then move away and digest.
I have prohibited myself from becoming fully immersed in an interest (spin is such an excellent phrase!) and stopped myself from becoming obsessed. I don't know why, but I thought it was wrong. Although maybe it's related to being diagnosed with BPAD II - intensity, obsession, feelings of joy and happiness even! I learnt to police myselfnfornthese things as they.might be signs of mania, i believed. Inthinkcinwas wrong. Inthinknthe.psychiatrists and psychologists were wrong.
This year I have opened up to music, which I always wanted to do, and I'm learning an instrument and seeing.live music at least once a week and trying to support local musicians by writing positive reviews and sharing theolir events with others. I lovenit.so much..imnthenhappiest ive ever been. Music is so interesting and exciting and it can be political and address social issues, as well as express all the emotions.. I have found rhe same as you, that I need.to take care of myself in relation to how deeply or for how long i focus on social justice issues and how much I identify with the suffering in the world.. i try to go lightly. And remind myself that bad things are.part of life and I can't fix it.all. I stay hopeful that unjust systems will erode away and new healthy ones will flourish. I accept.my limitations and celebrate people who are able to do more of the heavy social jiustice.work that i cannot. It's not an excuse. It's real. I burn out or shutdown, have SI, then I'm no help to anyone - not myself, my kids, my neighbours, my girlfriend, or any of the billions of people in the.world. I don't know if I am perimenopausal yet. I probably am and it's time I find a good GP to talk to about it.
I like your suggestion of using your spin for relaxation and calm.
I like to think that even small actions/interactions, little things I do each day in my local.community, make a contribution to a kinder, more just, world. Thank you for listening and thank you.for your substack.
What a journey you’ve been on 😭
Had the psychiatrist taken away your BPAD II diagnosis? So damaging how female autism is so frequently misdiagnosed.
Self-identifying/self-diagnosing autism is totally accepted and valid within the actually autistic community. It’s not like ADHD, where you need a formal diagnosis to access meds. There are no meds or treatments for autism.
I’ve always had speech issues too, even though I’m quite articulate and rambly once I get going, ha ha!
Yay for your musical interest! What instrument are you learning to play? I used to go to gigs all the time. Currently I can’t even stand up. Argh! 💕
Your writing is some of my favorite. Very informative, relatable, and makes me think and think some more. Thank you for taking the time to put stuff like this out in the world. It truly makes a difference.
Aw thank you! 🤩
Thank you for writing this, Sam. There is good advice here. I've hidden and dampened down my intensity for so long that letting it out more is feeling rather overwhelming. I have a partner who, thankfully, loves my intensity, but he lives a long way away and it will definitely be much better for me when he moves to the UK, so that he can help me regulate.
That will be amazing once he’s closer to you! It sounds like you can safely unmask around him 😀
I can! He is the person with whom I’ve been able to be totally myself, and it is helping me rediscover myself and enabling me to slowly unmask with others.
It will be amazing when he is here! Maybe I will document the journey on my Substack…
That sounds incredible 🥰
Yes, please do!
Thank you for this.
Your experience with being overwhelmed by your empathy resonates so much for me, and I struggle with the awareness that most allistic people can (and do) switch that feeling off when it's inconvenient for them. I'm in the US, and I was spinning on the Democratic convention for the 4 days it was televised this week. The overriding message of the convention was about inclusion, but the DNC refused to let any Palestinian delegates speak. I saw a video of protestors outside the convention hall reading a list of names of Palestinian children who have been killed, and the convention attendees had to walk past the demonstration as they left. All these people, who had just been cheering and celebrating inside, covered their ears, and a few even mocked or ridiculed the protestors. That broke my heart. And while I understand rationally that this is how it is, I just can't wrap my brain around it.
Regarding meds, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed several decades before I was diagnosed as Autistic (while I have not sought a diagnosis, I suspect I may also have ADHD). I went through virtually every new-generation antidepressant available at the time, but it would only work for a year or so. The only one that has worked for a long time is desvenlafxine, which is an SNRI. I recently found out from my doc that SNRIs are beginning to be used off-label for ADHD. I do wonder if that's why this is the one that has worked so well for me.
Yes, you’re right! They can and do just flick their empathy switch off! It’s so frustrating living in this world, isn’t it?! 😿 😹
Thanks so much for sharing your meds journey. I love a meds journey!! I admit I know nothing about SNRIs and I’m so grateful you shared that because I had no idea it could help with managing ADHD symptoms.
Honestly, I find ADHD so debilitating compared to autism. I’d take all the help I can get with it.
80% of autistic females are ADHDers. It’s so annoying that we can’t just be diagnosed with all the things at once 🙄
Wow - I didn't realize the percentage was so high!
I really need to learn to fact check and stop writing with authority about stats I’m too exhausted to research. Sorry!
That’s because it isn’t, I’m wrong again! Argh!
https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/being-autistic-and-having-adhd-as-a-female/
Still, it's quite high. Thanks for the link. It's an interesting article.